The divided self

I'm pretty sure i'm schizoid to some degree, if not fully and properly diagnosed, after reading Laing I fully feel like i fit the description of someone lacking ontological security. My relationship with people is very much influenced by how my immediate existence depends on their recognition and approval of me, but in a way that does not fully comprehend me, lest they turn me into an object. A deadly situation has shown itself to me and i am all at once shocked, wondering what got me here and whether I am alone in this state of existence. This is good. This is very good. This is great.  Now, I can be myself, autonomous, nevermind that I have been autonomous all these years, but the lack of trust has taken a toll on my psyche, and, as my mother used to say, nerve cells don't grow back. The sooner I stop giving people the key to my legitimacy, to my efficacy, my existence... the longer I can live a more authentic life before death inevitable knocks me off my wretched feet. If for whatever reason I lose touch with this realization, somebody please remind me. Now that would be a nice app... Ontological insecurity reminder app. Makes me wonder how much of this is my distant past and how much of it is a constant bombardment to preserve myself via visual and auditory validation techniques developed in boiler toom basements with nice couches in the lunch rooms. Techniques that bombard us on a daily basis. I gotta be busted up before i glue it all back together.